We Must Ignite This Couch Articles

WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football

By Jude
2008/09/03




embedded_reporter: John, we're coming to you live tonight from the front lines of the 2008-2009 NCAA football battle zone, and we've already seen some catastrophic damage being done to some teams' chances this season.

embedded_reporter: One such casualty to this point was the USS Hokiechokie, which was amazingly ranked as the #17 battleship in the nation despite losing its entire defense and having a quarterback that may be what the psychiatric community refers to as "minimally conscious."

embedded_reporter: Their skipper joins us now.

jim_beamerball: HOLY BATSHIT WAS THAT A DISASTER

embedded_reporter: What happened out there, skipper? It looked like your entire crew was totally overmatched.

jim_beamerball: Well, I guess Beamerball just got a dose of Beamerball in the most heinous Beamerball Beamerball possible.

embedded_reporter: What?

jim_beamerball: Oh, I'm sorry, for a minute I thought I was an espn commentator.

embedded_reporter: Moving along, another stunning and horrific defeat came from the Pittsburgh battalion, who were somehow overmatched by the Bowling Green Banditas.

embedded_reporter: Their leader joins us now.

embedded_reporter: How did that happen out there, sir?

IWannyU2RunFaster: I have NO idea.

IWannyU2RunFaster: Seriously, do you have any suggestions?

embedded_reporter: I'm sorry, sir, but I just report what happened, I don't mak...

IWannyU2RunFaster: I mean, I coach a team that finished 5-7 last year, going 3-4 in the conference, and finished tied for second to last in the Big East. We were third worst the year before that, and 4th worst the year before that.

embedded_reporter: What's your point?

IWannyU2RunFaster: How in the HELL were we ranked?

embedded_reporter: Excellent point, sir.

embedded_reporter: Perhaps the most disturbing image of all on this opening front of the 2008-2009 college campaign was the horrors seen from the slaughterhouse more commonly known by Westerners as "The Big House." The commanding officer of the brigade in charge of defending that "Big House" joins us now.

embedded_reporter: Sir, what happened? You were playing a team from the pacifist state of Utah.

dickrod: IT WAS A NIGHTMARE

embedded_reporter: I believe we've heard you say that before.

dickrod: Yeah, but this is one seriously shitty two-game losing streak.

embedded_reporter: What is your sense of the unrest surrounding your occupied area around Ann Arbor?

dickrod: Well, I think they're an understanding group, and realize that I'm installing a new system and we're going to struggle while I take some time to get my kind of players in here.

Pitt_police_hata: I assure you, that is not the case.

embedded_reporter: Nonetheless, you played a freshman walk-on at the quarterback position on Saturday. That can't be a good sign for this season.

dickrod: Yeah, that was pretty sweet wasn't it. All those other commies that transferred out of here like rats on a sinking ship sure did miss out on some primo playing time on Saturday. We were on national TV and everything!

embedded_reporter: I suppose that's one way of looking at it.

dickrod: We even PAID them $800,000 to come in and kick our ass! $800 grand! That's like 20% of my buyout!

embedded_reporter: In related news, we now turn to a successful battle on this opening weekend of the 2008 campaign, that of the Mighty Mountaineers of West Virginia.

embedded_reporter: Their leader joins us now.

embedded_reporter: General, how did you manage to stay successful while other rivals failed?

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: Man, I tell you what. We got a bunch of cool gizmos and gadgets on this here ship. Lemmie show you what I'm talkin about. Watch this.

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: HEY JEFF, PULL UP G-17 IN THE BOOK.

mullin_it_over: Yes, sir.

embedded_reporter: What's G-17, sir?

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: Hell if I know. Lets see what it does.

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: /fires G-17

fight4urwhite2party: /throws 57-yard touchdown strike

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: HOT DAMN! THAT WAS AWESOME!

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: LETS SEE WHAT G-18 DOES!

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: /fires G-18

puntazgetsl8d: /punts ball

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: Eww, let's get rid of that one.





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Poster Thread
PB
Posted: 9/3/2008 11:11 am  Updated: 9/3/2008 11:11 am
Pitt Hater
Joined: 2/13/2006
From: Washington DC
Posts: 1977
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football


OMG it hurts!

Pabstman
Posted: 9/3/2008 11:21 am  Updated: 9/3/2008 11:21 am
Makin' it Rain
Joined: 5/14/2008
From:
Posts: 4794
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football


WTF my side are splitting

WVUmaniac007
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:30 pm  Updated: 9/3/2008 7:30 pm
Grant Ave. Warrior
Joined: 7/9/2007
From: Canandaigua NY
Posts: 1189
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

LiteTheCouch
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:10 pm  Updated: 9/3/2008 8:10 pm
Pitt Hater
Joined: 11/24/2007
From:
Posts: 1565
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
Dolla_Dolla_Bill: /fires G-17

fight4urwhite2party: /throws 57-yard touchdown strike

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: HOT DAMN! THAT WAS AWESOME!

jokEER
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:22 pm  Updated: 9/3/2008 8:22 pm
Pitt Hater
Joined: 6/28/2007
From: West "BY GOD" Virginia
Posts: 2029
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
Dolla_Dolla_Bill: /fires G-18

puntazgetsl8d: /punts ball

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: Eww, let's get rid of that one.


CLASSIC!!!!!
wvumitch
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:25 pm  Updated: 9/3/2008 8:25 pm
Party Machine
Joined: 1/9/2008
From: Spring Hill, TN
Posts: 696
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
OK... seriously... you have to stop that... my sides are aching from all the laughing, and I can barely see the monitor enough to type this message from all the tears in my eyes!!!
Marcolian
Posted: 9/3/2008 8:27 pm  Updated: 9/3/2008 8:27 pm
Pitt Hater
Joined: 12/23/2007
From: Parkersburg, WV
Posts: 2442
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
That was funny until it got to Stew, then it was freaking hilarious! Nice work...again!!
Rob387
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:14 pm  Updated: 9/3/2008 9:14 pm
Grant Ave. Warrior
Joined: 11/29/2007
From: Wilson, NC (originally Cross Lanes, WV)
Posts: 953
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
Hilarious!!
wvuengineer
Posted: 9/3/2008 9:35 pm  Updated: 9/3/2008 9:35 pm
Pitt Hater
Joined: 2/8/2008
From: Huntington, WV
Posts: 1782
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
...mullin_it_over
......HOT DAMN THAT WAS AWESOME!

Another truly awesome WIRE. That one made me snort!
preluderl
Posted: 9/4/2008 7:49 am  Updated: 9/4/2008 7:49 am
Gettin' Schmitty
Joined: 2/21/2008
From: Mannington, WV
Posts: 6886
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
I was watching the Koz man before the game and he actually did let loose a couple of good punts.

I guess he still could have a little of the ka-boom left after all.
BeastoftheEast
Posted: 9/4/2008 6:15 pm  Updated: 9/4/2008 6:15 pm
Joined: 7/21/2006
From: Boone County, WV
Posts: 12965
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
Quote:
embedded_reporter: What's G-17, sir?

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: Hell if I know. Lets see what it does


All of this is hilarious.
msaul37
Posted: 9/4/2008 7:06 pm  Updated: 9/4/2008 7:06 pm
Joined: 7/27/2006
From: Alkol, Lincoln County
Posts: 24646
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
first, who is this 'john' guy the imbedded reporter is talking to. and second, is this mullin_it_over's first wire appearance?
wvpiratecaptain
Posted: 9/4/2008 9:48 pm  Updated: 9/4/2008 9:48 pm
Pitt Hater
Joined: 8/11/2006
From: North Carolina
Posts: 1845
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
dude! seriously... i don't know what you do for a living but it should be this.... that's some funny stuff right there!
Jschlehr
Posted: 9/5/2008 6:59 pm  Updated: 9/5/2008 6:59 pm
Here for the Beer
Joined: 8/26/2007
From: Naples, FL
Posts: 456
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
If you saw me laughing right now, you'd think i had been smokin funny things. That was one hilarious report right there
WCFRFyrFytr
Posted: 9/6/2008 8:23 am  Updated: 9/6/2008 8:23 am
Here for the Beer
Joined: 11/18/2007
From: Abingdon, VA
Posts: 296
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
LOL omg that was the shit!!
whitemamba
Posted: 9/6/2008 1:52 pm  Updated: 9/6/2008 1:52 pm
Grant Ave. Warrior
Joined: 11/28/2007
From: Tucker County, WV
Posts: 789
 Re: WIRE- Report from the front lines of college football
Quote:
dickrod: Yeah, but this is one seriously shitty two-game losing streak.


Quote:
embedded_reporter: What's G-17, sir?

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: Hell if I know. Lets see what it does.

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: /fires G-17

fight4urwhite2party: /throws 57-yard touchdown strike

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: HOT DAMN! THAT WAS AWESOME!

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: LETS SEE WHAT G-18 DOES!

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: /fires G-18

puntazgetsl8d: /punts ball

Dolla_Dolla_Bill: Eww, let's get rid of that one.




Great WIRE!
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