We Must Ignite This Couch Articles

THE WIRE- Marinatto Resigns

By Jude
2012/05/09

**YOU HAVE ENTERED THE BIG EAST PRESS CONFERENCE CHAT**

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: So I said, "RECTUM? SHE DAMN NEAR KILLED HIM!" ahahahaha

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: Oh, hell. Is this thing starting?

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: OK then, umm... I'd like to thank members of the Big East media for joining us for this press conference today.

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: Obviously, the Big East is in fantastic shape after my 3 years at the helm. While those assholes at Pitt, Syracuse, TCU, and WVU CAN ALL BURN IN HELL, we've got an exciting new future with 13 (COUNT EM!) 13 football playing members in fantastic locations like SUNNY SAN DIEGO and EXOTIC HOUSTON!!!

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: /waits for applause

tumbleweed: /rolls

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: Sure, under my watch, the Big East lost Pitt, Syracuse (a charter member of the conference), the only respectable football team we had (WVU) who was also a year off from making the Final 4, and a TCU team that hadn't even started playing in the Big East before they fled like a rat on a sinking ship.

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: And yes, UConn, Louisville, and Cincinnati have all openly yearned to join another conference as soon as they even have a glimmer of opportunity.

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: And yes, under my watch, the Big East turned down a lucrative offer for TV Rights from ESPN in an apparent attempt to play high-stakes poker even though we were holding the entertainment equivalent of a pair of 4's.

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: But hey, did I mention that Navy and SMU are joining?!?!

reporter: Excuse me, but we knew all this. Why is there a press conference today?

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: Oh. I'm resigning.

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: All the assets are in place right now in the Big East. It's probably time for a commercialized kind of perspective. Clearly the collegiate model is dead.

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: By the way, I actually said that last one.

reporter: Well, what are you going to do now?

thatsaspicymeat-a-ball: I plan to follow a long, proud family tradition of stepping away from a stressful situation following a period of strong leadership.


**FADE TO MONTAGE**

**YOU HAVE ENTERED THE GETTYSBURG CIVIL WAR CHAT**


robert_E_lee: Nice of you to join us, General Marinatto.

general_augustus_marinatto: No problem, hoss. Where do you need me and my boys?

robert_E_lee: Wait, where is your regiment?

general_augustus_marinatto: Weeeeeell....

general_augustus_marinatto: We had a few desertions. But it's cool. I grabbed a couple of mules and a box of cigars to replace them.

robert_E_lee: DEAR GOD, MAN. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO CHARGE WITH PICKETT TOMORROW AND YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MEN!!

general_augustus_marinatto: I'm starting to sense some pressure here that you aren't happy with my leadership.

robert_E_lee: ...

general_augustus_marinatto: Okeedokee then, I see my work here is done.


**YOU HAVE ENTERED THE CHAT OF THE NORTH ATLANTIC**

uss_titanic_crew_members: CAPTAIN! THERE'S AN ICEBERG STRAIGHT AHEAD!

captainmeatball: Uhhhh, I guess steer... left?

uss_titanic: /strikes iceberg

uss_titanic_crew_members: SHE'S GOING DOWN, CAPTAIN! WE'VE GOT TO ABANDON SHIP!

captainmeatball: Nah, it's cool. Just get on the horn and get some guys to patch it up. It'll be good as new.

uss_titanic: /sinks

captainmeatball: Yeah, they need to bring on someone that knows how to avoid icebergs. Clearly, the maritime model is dead.


**YOU HAVE ENTERED THE 1980s UKRAINE CHAT**

comrade_marinatto: I tell you what, there is nothing like a good nap from 1-3 in the afternoon.

chernobyl_reactor: /explodes

comrade_marinatto: Ok. That's probably bad.

comrade_marinatto: Well, folks, I'm going to be resigning from my position here, as this job has suddenly gotten too stressful for me.

comrade_marinatto: Since it's 1986, fortunately the collegiate model isn't dead. But everyone within 100 square miles of this place probably will be.

comrade_marinatto: Do svidaniya!
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Poster Thread
WVUer21
Posted: 5/9/2012 2:48 pm  Updated: 5/9/2012 2:48 pm
Makin' it Rain
Joined: 7/22/2006
From: Philthadelphia, PA
Posts: 3183
 Re: THE WIRE- Marinatto Resigns
Excellent! I'm also using "Comrade Marinatto" as my next fantasy team name.
BeastoftheEast
Posted: 5/12/2012 11:02 am  Updated: 5/12/2012 11:02 am
Joined: 7/21/2006
From: Boone County, WV
Posts: 12965
 Re: THE WIRE- Marinatto Resigns
This might be the funniest one in a very long time.

Especially the Gettysburg part.
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